We’ve been talking a lot about shame and feeling worthy, these past few weeks. After coming back to this blog and realizing what I have been publishing i begin to think about how I feel ashamed about those raw feelings that I’m trying to process and communicate. Maybe I was in a different mind at the time, maybe I needed to be out of my mind, and in my feelings.

I guess I dont have much experience actually feeling things. I’ve learned a little more about how anxiety may be a function of me understanding my environments arent’ safe, and feeling anger about it. How do I feel my anger and process it in a way that feels safe for me, regulating. Emotionally regulating.

I’ve been pondering my own strangeness, coming to learn more about who I am, it does bring up the feeling of loneliness. How wierd am I? Too wierd? I have friends of course. Maybe I’ve been holding back from actually expressing how I feel. I want to believe that being kind and reliable makes for a good friend. Sometimes I’m curious about the lives of people who have a partner. I wonder what it means to them. Maybe its better not to dwell on in for too long, like why mess with a good thing, if its not broke dont fix it, ignorance is bliss.

If you are breathing you are worthy.

The opposite of addiction is connection.

Potential for other people doesn’t exist, its only for yourself.

Lower the bar of how much bullshit you are willing to put up with.

What was I trying to say? I forget, but I suppose what I’m trying to feel is confident and like I don’t need to exist in a mental state and emotional state that’s so shameful.

I’m not looking forward to this conversation I need to have with my Dad. One of the people that I listen to was talking about how when you need to have difficult conversations, its good to imagine your inner child being taken care of someone you love and trust. I’m going to type out the text message and then send it, and I’m going to specifuy when Dad can call me.

Was zoning out in my house as my housemate watches “The 100.” It’s a science fiction show that aired on Fox back in the mid 2010s, it’s aiight. Probly not something I would watch if I had the choice. There are so many scenes where I wish it were a lot more mundane actually, survivors coming together on a planet that has not seen them for a century? It could be really cute and romantic actually, I don’t see why dystopian futuristic has to be so dour. But anyway, as my mind wandered, I imagined a character without a verbal filter. You know, someone who sees a freshly injured burn victim whose face may be half melted and says something like, “Ew, gross. What’s wrong with your face?” Even thinking about it right now makes me chuckle a bit, like, wow this is literally part of your character, and it’s aweful but maybe that’s just my sense of dark humor. I’ve heard from several sources that people who are able to move through overwhelming tragedy often subsist on gallows humor, laughing at things that should would normally have an aura of the taboo. A mother of a developmentally disabled adult child often quipped about how her life would be so much more luxurious without having to manage her sometimes physically violent son, i.e. he could kick the bucket one day and her life would become, in a way, exponentially less stressful, and likely more fun. It’s not like she’s actively wishing for something like that to happen, but speaking it into words is just funny to me. It’s like saying an abusive parent would make everyone’s lives better by just dying, and having it be a line of dialogue in a comedic film would be funny.

After just getting back from Oklahoma, I feel like its just a feeling of mine.