We’ve been talking a lot about shame and feeling worthy, these past few weeks. After coming back to this blog and realizing what I have been publishing i begin to think about how I feel ashamed about those raw feelings that I’m trying to process and communicate. Maybe I was in a different mind at the time, maybe I needed to be out of my mind, and in my feelings.

I guess I dont have much experience actually feeling things. I’ve learned a little more about how anxiety may be a function of me understanding my environments arent’ safe, and feeling anger about it. How do I feel my anger and process it in a way that feels safe for me, regulating. Emotionally regulating.

I’ve been pondering my own strangeness, coming to learn more about who I am, it does bring up the feeling of loneliness. How wierd am I? Too wierd? I have friends of course. Maybe I’ve been holding back from actually expressing how I feel. I want to believe that being kind and reliable makes for a good friend. Sometimes I’m curious about the lives of people who have a partner. I wonder what it means to them. Maybe its better not to dwell on in for too long, like why mess with a good thing, if its not broke dont fix it, ignorance is bliss.

If you are breathing you are worthy.

The opposite of addiction is connection.

Potential for other people doesn’t exist, its only for yourself.

Lower the bar of how much bullshit you are willing to put up with.

What was I trying to say? I forget, but I suppose what I’m trying to feel is confident and like I don’t need to exist in a mental state and emotional state that’s so shameful.

I’m not looking forward to this conversation I need to have with my Dad. One of the people that I listen to was talking about how when you need to have difficult conversations, its good to imagine your inner child being taken care of someone you love and trust. I’m going to type out the text message and then send it, and I’m going to specifuy when Dad can call me.